Talking Psychosis: Episode 1

The House of Monostone is a safe place for those us who have brain waves in more than one tone.

You are safe here from everyone who doesn't understand.

It is warm, here.

People with mental illnesses are erased by society through stigma--there are some of us out there who need help but will not speak up because we live in such fear of that stigma.

Speak and live, my friend. If you take the pills with juice or tea, it's not so bad. I can swallow mine without water, now. We believe the fear in ourselves and take in their malice and disbelief it comes out in bad thoughts on us. Thoughts that haunt and depress. Maybe you might...

Lose your job.
Have your family and friends think you will go on a killing spree.
Have your abilities discounted or outright ignored.
Be ignored and excluded.

They live in stereotypes of us. Ignore them and continue to be strong.

You are not a monster and this illness is not your fault.

Even those of us who are currently in therapy or on medication tend to keep our illnesses a secret. No one will know unless we say something. No one knows.

So let's be clandestine together. No names.

Having your mind broken is not like breaking your arm or leg.

When a bone breaks, you can see it heal. There are x-rays that tell the doctor exactly what's what. Your bone breaks, it heals and then you can move on. Maybe you can see the scar.

When the mind breaks, there is no x-ray. There is no 100% quantifiable proof that it is healed either. It is harder to move on when your brain has scars that cannot be seen but that make it hard to do simple tasks.

You have to fight everyday...risking your life for your life. Fighting yourself, fighting other peoples' hatred; people who may think you are "weak" or a "ticking time bomb."

Sometimes secrets are good.

As an amnesiac and someone who has spent time in the psyche ward as a patient, life is difficult. I was never this way, I was normal. I wish...I could remember...

I hated it.

My mental illness was induced by a head injury I received at work. Before I collapsed onto the concrete all I could remember was me telling myself to walk it off...then the thought of doves flying and church bells ringing...walk it off, doves...then the bus ride home...#20 bus...then..."I wonder if anyone will find me under here?"

And the world went dark as who I was became obsolete leaving a near-vegetable in her place.

I was 19 years old. I am now 22.

Being 19 years old and the youngest patient in a psyche ward full of adults was no fun.

It was 2 months after my head injury. I remember when the doctor gave my Mom a form to sign and informed me in big legal words that I no longer had my rights and was now under sovereignty of the state and my parents until I was "no longer a threat to society or myself".

My first night in the hospital security thought I was dangerous so they put me in a special room connected to their office.

It was because of the head injury the doctors say...I'd destroyed some property in my house and had vendettas against a family member who I believed was poisoning my food and the family pet who...well, I just didn't like his face at the time.

If I wasn't sleeping, I was staring at the floor.

Security was nice. I remember they used to give me the newspaper and National Geographic when they were done reading.

It's difficult to describe not remembering anything save for your name and birthday. It's difficult to describe the feeling of insanity. When your mind is in that state, you don't believe yourself but you can't believe other people either.

Is the glass half empty or half full? Is there a glass? I want to smash it. I can't remember who I am...who I was.

I cried almost everyday because I was 19 and just wanted to go home and watch TV.

Breakfast with schizophrenics in the morning.

One of them was an atheist that screamed all the time about his fat girlfriend that he was going to marry once "he got out". After sharing more of his crap arguments against religion he'd follow it up with Bible verses from the Book of Apeshit Insane and yell at us all about how Jesus was coming to kill us with a flaming sword. We had to be saved, immediately. Or have our heads cut off.

And we just sat there eating cornflakes; milk, sugar, nurses and all.

An Explanation.

What are we doing today?

Why do you hate people?

I always tell everyone that I love human beings but that I hate people.

What is the difference between a people and a human being?

Manymanymanymany.

That's what I'm doing today, everyday.

Won't you come over? I have surprises.

Making Friends.

This is the hate time.

I think I hate people.
I hate how they talk.
I hate how they spit.
I hate how they mock.

I hate how they lie.
I hate how they fake.
I hate how they grab others
and cause them to break.

I hate how they steal.
I hate how they kill.
I hate how their greed will never be filled.

I hate my brain and how it cannot remember.
I hate my amnesia, I hate off-beat tunes.
I hate November, December and June.

I hate their magazines and all of their schisms.
I hate all their politics and bullshit isms.

I hate, I hate, I hate you.
And on bad days I HATE ME TOO.

So I will come and write the hate in a way.
To push, shove and keep it at bay.